It is time and beyond time I took the time (haha) to make some notes about last weekends kendo seminar...before it's THIS weekend, and while it is still reasonably fresh in my mind.

On Friday morning, I popped into the University book shop and picked myself a nice little Asian themed journal, exclusively for making notes about kendo and I have done some writing in there about the seminar, but I haven't finished yet. Some of it is stuff that you folks won't be very interested in, such as exercises to improve suriashi and fumikomi, but some of it you might find quite interesting indeed. Or you can fake it ;D.

I finished up work at 12pm on Friday, then went and picked my husband up from his work and we went to the hire car place together. As we have only one car, I had arranged for a small (cheap) car for the family to use during the weekend, while I used our car to go to Christchurch. We picked up the car, then I made my goodbyes and set off in my (previously packed) car for Christchurch.

I stopped about 4 hours in to the drive in Ashburton, to go to a particular wool shop that specialises in handspinning and weaving supplies. I wanted to get there before they closed as I wanted to get a drop spindle to start teaching myself some handspinning (SCA related stuff), and I made it with about 1/2 hour to spare. From there, I called the Chatelaine of the Southron Guard SCA group, whom I had arranged to meet for dinner Friday night earlier in the week. Sure, I could have gone and joined the group for some kendo instead, but I had decided to take advantage of getting to know the Southron Guard folks a bit better too. I made good time into Christchurch and met them at 6pm for dinner at the Burger and Beer restaurant, which was playing music designed to appeal to Gen-X's like myself and served very, very large burgers. We had a good chat about SCA related things and then I headed off to the motel where the Invercargill and Otago people would be staying.

I was the first one there. I was extremely gratified to find that they'd given me a little tiny studio room by myself. Apparently it had been the intention of the Invercargill folks to have me bunk in (as I thought they would) but the elderly couple owning the motel decided that wasn't right and let me have the room for no additional cost. I was very grateful and it was such an enormous relief to be able to enjoy some quiet and privacy. I texted the Invercargill folks letting them know where I was and that I'd be going to bed early and would see them in the morning. I did indeed go to bed early but slept very poorly due to a) too much light leaking in b) people standing outside my window talking until about 1am c) a bloody magpie that started warbling at 4:30 or 5am.

Needless to say, I was perforce up bright and early and caught a ride to the high school gym where the event was taking place with the Invercargill crowd. Before we left, I learned that Mike (the moody bloke from my club) had slipped in the bathroom that morning and was going to a doctor to check he hadn't broken anything. Unfortunately for him, he was out of training for the weekend before he'd even begun.

I won't go too much into what we did on the Saturday. The sensei, a 7th level Dan from Japan who was actually a really friendly and nice guy for a change (not at all like the very stiff and proper chaps I'd seen previously), showed us and described a different way of holding the shinai that was supposed to help women and children gain more power. In kendo, we generally hold the shinai in the left hand with the emphasis on the little finger, but he said to do it with the middle finger. I instantly liked this much better, as it basically gave me a better balance point and sped up my cuts considerably. He also showed us a different method of fastening the do (chestplate) that I also like a lot better and will use in future. Mostly though we worked on different cuts, there was lots of fighting with people of the same grade or above, and by the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted, so tired that when he asked us to finish off with 50 jumping men and then dozens of suburi while standing in a deep horse-riding stance I was barely able to keep the tip of my shinai up, let along cut quickly. It seems funny in retrospect but at the time I was debating with myself whether I was going to faint or puke first. Since I had my helmet on I was hoping for fainting.

A bad point for that day was he asked us first off to do tski cuts (thrust to the throat), which I have not been taught to either give or receive. I was working with another 5th kyu and he hit me quite hard, and it really snapped my jaw and head back and I got to work the whole rest of the day with a bad headache. Other than that, working with other 5th kyu's from other clubs confirmed for me that I am most definitely ready to grade up.

By this time Mike had arrived and he asked me to drive him back to the motel, as it was paining him to drive the car. He didn't break anything but did manage to tear a muscle in his buttocks, probably the piriformis. I was glad of the excuse to get back as there was to a meeting after the training the others were staying for and I wanted nothing more than a shower and a brief collapse. Which I got.

I then went to dinner with the kendo folks and sat with a group from Lower Hutt (near Wellington) and made some friends there. Should we ever move from Dunedin we'd head for Wellington so I took advantage of the opportunity to learn more about the club there. They have quite a few senior female members and some mad keen Star Wars fans I had a good chat to. Unfortunately the food was pretty mediocre but the company made up for it.

I slept slightly better Saturday night, mostly due to exhaustion.

I was up again very early Sunday morning to pack up and to get to the dojo by 7am, as we were having early morning giedako (fighting). I found that while my body was tired, my spirit was willing and I soon figured out that there were plenty of others there even more tired than I was.

After this we split into two groups, one to do grading and the other to work with the sensei. We did various exercises, but the most interesting one that day was when he was talking about and demonstrating ki (and of course this is probably the most interesting part for you folks to read). He spoke a lot about the nature of ki, mostly in Japanese but he would use some English words as well. He picked a heavy young man (120kg) from the group and had himself and 3 little Asian girls try to lift him using only two fingers each, which they couldn't do. Then everyone held their hands over his head until all their hands felt hot, and then they quickly repeated it and were able to easily lift him. Then we all separated into groups to do it too and it did work, could be a good one to do at a gathering.

He spoke about how to merge your ki with your opponents and use it to determine when they are going to attack, and how to use it to make them think you are going to attack, and where. So it can be used both in a predictive and tactical fashion. He had us stand behind one member and we had to put our hands up when we felt him shift his ki and focus around on the opponent. I could clearly feel it, an analogy would be if someone was shining a bright, hot light at someone, and you were standing behind them and could feel the heat, then they shifted the light and you could feel the way the heat/light moved and then steadied again.

There was quite a bit more on this, but I have the horrible feeling I'm forgetting it already, the important thing is though that I understood it intuitively and was able to apply it. We seperated into kyu gradings again and I was working with a younger lad, and I was able to tell where he was intending to hit every time, using a combination of observation of his body language and his energy. I think I freaked him out a little lol. Then I worked with Shunya, and found that using this new way of sensing I was now as quick and quicker than Shunya (who is 17) and was hitting imen (simultaneous hits to the head) almost every time, I have had great difficulty with this up to now.

Best of all, we then lined up and started fighting everyone else regardless of grade, and I was definitely fighting better. The sensing technique went a very long way towards compensating for other peoples greater height, youth, and speed. I was very chuffed at getting some really nice cuts, and I know I surprised a few of the younger men who were not expecting it.

Sensei said, and Tatsuya says from time to time as well, that each person has their own style of kendo and has to learn and capatilise on their own strengths. I've been wondering what, if any, my particular strong point(s) are in kendo. My height is only average and I don't find it either an advantage or disadvantage. I don't have youthful energy and vigor. But I do think now I have two strengths. Firstly, my ability to read other people, which I haven't been applying to kendo as much as I probably should have been; and also my mind (ok, my deviousness), or I could put it as, fight smarter, not harder.

We'll see how this all pays off later in the year.

I left just after lunch to drive back to Dunedin, and made it back by dinner time. I was so tired and bruised and smelly! The kids didn't care though and climbed all over me (ouch, bruises). All up, I was glad that I went because the sensei was so very good and expressive, even if his English was poor. I could understand what he meant via the interpretation, but more so from his actions and body language. I made some friends and gained a better idea of my current (real) level of skill. Worthwhile if expensive.

Oh my word but I'm tired. Both my organisational abilities and stamina have been getting hit rather hard lately. I have been constantly on the go for the last couple of weeks and I have at least another week to go. I'll give a brief rendition of what's been on.

Uni Stuff - I had my first assignment for the semester due on the 11th August, i.e. last week. I had to arrange with a local business to do a hazard walkthrough, do the walk through, and then write and submit a report on it. I spent a lot of time on the assignment and ended up staying up late the night before it was due because I had to resize/reformat all the photos in it before the file was small enough to email. I have since been continuing to work hard to catch up on the class readings that I had to neglect because I was working on the assignment. I'm up date right now, but will shortly be behind again due to this weekends kendo seminar. I have the second assignment due on the 13th September (a health and safety audit) and I'm trying not to get panicky, because the material to do the assignment is in the readings this week and in the weeks leading up to it being due, and I'm worried that I'll get behind too much, or won't find a place that will let me audit them, and that I've done badly in the first assignment (haven't got the marks for this back yet).

Work - Work has been quite difficult of late. I have been frantically busy every moment I have been there, trying to get all that needs to be done done in my short work period (3 hrs/day), I have also been doing more hours which is meaning I'm keeping up at work but getting behind in other areas, e.g. in my studies. It has been busy because of students grants and the upcoming Blues (sporting awards) and Golds (cultural awards). Nominations for these closed last Friday and I have been processing the nominations and preparing packs for the panels that will decide who gets the awards, as well as making arrangements for the meetings and awards. The main reason I have been struggling is because of my manager, who has been quite disorganised and has left too much until the last minute, but I'm still expected to get my portions of the workload, which are dependent on her doing her bits, done on time. There are other things there too that I don't want to go into too much, it's enough to say that there are days I really don't like working with her. There is also the constant spectre of redundancies in the office and it's just not much fun. Additionally, there have been the student executive elections over the last week which have added an additional work load and stress to OUSA employees. The chap who was our Clubs and Societies Representative has now (just this evening) won the position of CFO for next year, I don't know if this is good or bad.

Work will stay frantic for at least another week.

Family - It's been a busy month family wise. It was my mothers and her twin sisters birthdays on the 11th (the same day my assignment was due) and I had to get their presents organised early enough to post off and ring them on their birthdays. My eldest boys birthday was the next day, the 12th, and I stayed up late on the night before to get a birthday cake made for him. He had asked for a Batman symbol on it, so I made a chocolate cake and poured over a white chocolate icing. The next day I sort of painted on a batman symbol in melted chocolate. It was a bit wonky but he was thrilled anyway. He got up very early on the morning of his birthday as he was so excited, so basically I didn't get much sleep last week.

The day after that, so that is last Friday, my in-laws flew over from Adelaide to visit for the weekend, and left this Tuesdays morning. Needless to say I got little done all weekend except playing host and doing housework. While it was nice to see them, I found the timing of the visit quite stressful and was feeling quite limp by the time they left.

Kendo- Kendo has also been taxing both my organisational abilities, my patience, and my health. This weekend is a big winter training camp in Christchurch (about 5.5 hrs from Dunedin) and there has been all sorts of problems with Otago members pulling out at the last minute, not communicating with me (as the coordinator for our group) regarding transport etc. In the end I threw up my hands and said I was driving up on my own and everyone else could get there how they pleased, I'd had enough of their dithering.

We are staying in some units with the Invercargill group, and I found out, to my displeasure, that I'm the only female kendoka going from our region...i.e. the only one in the units. I'm a bit worried about this and not looking forward to spending the weekend with a bunch of guys. Hopefully they'll be gentlemen and let me have the room with the double bed so I can have some privacy. There will be some females from other clubs at the training.

I've also been struggling a bit with injury. Two weeks ago one of the club members decided to hit me as hard as he could during an exercise. I ended up with my right forearm purple from wrist most of the way to the elbow, and it is still tender on the bones though the bruising is gone. I have also been having trouble with my left foot again, I have been to the physio twice in the last week and had some massage on my calves today but it is still dicey. I am also a bit worried about injuring it and then having to drive home (it's my clutch pedal foot).

Finally, the chap I don't get on well with (and the one who hit me so hard two weeks ago) is grading on the weekend, probably to 1st kyu. I'm apprehensive about the probably he will be sempai next year and not looking forward to his 'teaching'. He does know his stuff but he is almost bipolar in the way he can be really nice some times, and at others quite bitchy, moody and even cruel. I could not grade this weekend because they were restricting it to 3rd kyu up.

Basically I have a lot of worries.

I'm also feeling really guilty about going away this weekend, about leaving the family. I've been doing some cooking and baking to stock up on some things, but it doesn't make me feel any better. The kids have also been really clingy the last couple of days and saying how much they'll miss me, which also makes me feel bad. But I made a commitment to attend this weekend and I have to go through with it. Hopefully it'll improve my kendo, but I'm so apprehensive about everything and remembering how exhausted I was last time I went to one of these, and still have the 5.5 hr drive back on Sunday night to 'look forward to', that I am not expecting to enjoy it.

SCA - Oh yes, how could I forget? I've organised a pot luck (because the seneshal is the same chap who is the Clubs and Soc's representative and he is only thinking student politics right now) and have sewn up a viking dress (mostly by hand) and am making an apron dress. I'll post pictures on facebook when I have time. This is about the only leisure time I've had of late and I was proud of myself for making the dress from scratch and without a pattern, and it fit! The Southron Guard that we are affiliated to have been emailing me and encouraging me to go for seneshal when it comes up next, since I'm doing all the work at present anyway. I'll be finished with uni next year so will think about it.

GEneral - Juggling, juggling is what I've been doing of late, and it is wearing me down. I don't see any abatement coming up though until I've finished the semester on the 30th Oct. I almost desperately want to get back into meditation, tai chi etc, but when I do try to meditate at present I'm so tired that I end up dozing instead, which is something I've never had a problem with before. I'm trying to be patient with myself, after all there is an end in sight, but it is hard. Hard.

No more posts for me for a few days, I'm off to Christchurch tomorrow.

Before I begin I just want to clear the air here and say that I do have the tendancy to be a partial skeptic when it comes to "New Age" type stuff. But I totally respect that it and all that goes into it. I mean if it wasn't effective why would it be around for hundreds if not thousands of years. It's basicly the same argument I give for Traditional Chinese Medicine.

Mercury in Retrograde (Mercury Rx) is said to wreck havoc on comunication and travel. We are now in a period of Mercury Rx according to the website and a very gifted phychic roommate. A good example would be this post I'm writing right now. This is actually my fourth time writing this. It started out as me stating that I'm a skeptic. Then something would happen and the page gets lost or something. So after I wrote down that I'm a partial skeptic it seemed to let me continue.

So why am I writing about Mercury Rx? Good question it's just a segway into the rough day I had yesterday and I would love to blame it on the havoc of the Universe. But ultimately the blame lays on me and my aloof self.

I had Monday morning off and I did absolutly nothing but read and catch up on old movies online. I hardly moved and felt very guilty about it. I promised myself that on Tuesday when I get off of work I will drive down to Washington DC and visit the Library of Congress and checkout the Capitol Building. I parked my car at the Metro station and took the train down to DC. I was excited to go checkout some out of print books.

The rules to the LOC is very strict since it's a Federal Goverment Bulding. It's an archive/ museum and reserch facility all in one. They have heavy security posted at the enterance. They are backed up by police armed with assult rifles. One of the main rules is that you cannot access the reading rooms unless you are doing research. To obtain a research card you have to go to another building to apply for it. Not too tough but they do make you work for it. The other rule is no persoal belongings is allowed in there. So I had to take my backpack to the coatcheck area. My backpack had my canteen, sunscreen, book, pens, notebook, and most importantly my keys.

I requested the books at one room and had a 2 hour wait before they get delived to the reading room. The Main reading Room is the one fetured in National Treasure. I decided that I have some time I might as well kill some of it by taking the underground tunnel and checkout the Capitol visitor tour.

I got there just in time for the start of one of the tour group. I got to see all these facinating parts of the buikding I never knew about. For example the dome of the building is so tall that if you placed the statue of Liberty in it (just the statue) there will still be thirty feet of space from the end of the torch. Also there is a fresco inside of it with a theme of George Washington assending into Godhood. Yeah kinda disturbing. I wonder if he would have approved that when he was alive?

Anyway I get swepted up into learning the history of the country and took more tours around the area and had lunch in Chinatown. One thing led to another and before I knew it it was 7pm. I had to make it to the library to read my books. Last time I was there they closed at 9:30pm. BUT NOT ON TUESDAYS AND FRIDAYS they close at 5pm.

I got there went through security and my heart was sunk when they told me I couldn't go in. More importantly my backpack with my keys is in the building. They weren't able to help me. I franticly thought of things I could do. To make matters worse I was on the red as far as power for my phone is concerned. It was looking very bad.

I had to be very strategic on who I picked to help me out and it had to be someone what is a go getter and not too far away. I picked my brother. He lives in Fairfax VA and it just so happens that it's only 10 minutes away from the last metro stop. I gave him a call and he was in the middle of a poker game. That means no phone on and no leaving unless it's life or death. I waited about an hour before he checked his phone and for him to call me back. At this point I had no bars on phone and it was reminding me to charge soon.

He listened to my story and had to pass me on to his girlfriend Wendy to help me out. BUT she was in the middle of a two hour long Bikirim Hot Yoga class. So she wasn't going to pick me up till after she showers. Not a problem since the Metro stop is the last one there it might take me an hour to make it there anyway. So things will work out.

It's great to know that my brother and Wendy are able to help me. I'm on their couch right now as I'm typing this. We will be going to the LOC this afternoon to retrieve my keys. I hope my car will still be in the parking lot when I get there. They were very specific about it not being an overnight parking lot.

So to sum it all up Mercury Rx messes with travel and communication. We are just starting out in it and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. But on the bright side. I got to hangout with my brother and checkout his new pad in VA. I know that I have extraordinary people in my life. Not just family members but also friends and Jedis :)

On an even more awesome note. While Wendy was picking me up we stopped by Targets. I got the last copy of Wii's Gold's Gym Cardio Dance game. Oh yeah don't be hating.

Don't take the people you have in life for granted.

It's good to be home. I had taken a couple of weeks off to head back east for my wedding(part one of why I couldn't attend the gathering...Part two is still waiting on the passport...LOL)

Anyhow we drove from ON to NB towing a camper(that is nicer than my first apartment) which was nice because we had a command post to operate out of the whole time, no need to hunt for dog friendly hotels and buy food at restaurants.

When We arrived things were already in full swing ref: Baking, external mods(new deck) placement planning(tentage, wedding arch etc) So we were free to Vanish so I could go get my kids in NS for their 2 wks with dad and as they were participating in my wedding kind of had to go get them...lol

Once we returned the next afternoon, my Fiancee's cousin who's 9 asked if myself and the kids wanted to explore by the brook, we all agreed(I had to go as my son is only 4 and fearless but not quite big enough to make it through the challenges he goes after... I'm 5'11" and I had a hard time crossing the rocks...lol) Anyway the young lad was leading with my daughter(6) in behind with my son and myself following. I suddenly Heard a blood curdling scream and see my daughter fall then start scrabling up the side of the hill towards the road... I told my son to stay right where he was... I rushed up over the bank ran to my daughter and she was screamin and crying about scratches or stings... I was going to investigate when my son took to screaming(like all 4 yr old boys he did not stay where he was he advanced) I jumped down to grab him out of there and that's when I discovered the other boy had accidentally stirred up a hornets nest... My son took the worst of it(12 stings) followed by me(11), my daughter only got stung 3 or 4 times... But to make matters worse I was stung on the face my left side was drooping from the amount of venom I had taken I kind of looked like I had a stroke...lol on the bright side we discovered that no one was allergic to hornets...

The rest of the first week was good, wedding went off without a hitch, except for the reception... I had given my groomsmen Lightsabers from ultrasabers as groomsmen gifts... I had a couple spares one of which was used by a bridesmaid... and she caused the breaking of one of the groomsmen's arms Poor fella...Moral of the story alcohol and lightsabers... not a good mix...Lol

The second week we just kind of adventured about and returned home...

I have recently been reintroduced to this concept made socially popular from the book The Secret. You can find various versions of the same information from New Age Guru's to Business Leader and even Motivational Speakers. The main essence of the Law is believe in a outcome with all your heart, body, mind and soul. This will create a vibration to call for what you want to the Universe and it will deliver it to you. Sometimes in very subtle ways. Other times it comes in a "In Your Face" way.

To be honest I had a surface appreciation for this, nothing deep. But I reevaluated my life and realised that I have benefitted from this and not properly given it credit. Until now.

When I first created my Facebook account I put down as my religion as Jedi. Mostly as a joke cause I don't take things too seriously. I haven't heard about Jedi being a real religion at that point. I had no idea there what a Jedi realist is. Too be honest I think we can still put a debate on that subject alone.

But I remembered while typing it down I thought it would be cool if this was real and we would be able to train together and hold meetings to share knowledge and have fun.

About a year after my account activated. I was introduced to this community through a series of "random" events. Now after attending the Gathering I realised that the Universe did hear me and answered back.

I find it funny how it seemed like everything I have experienced through here seemed to be "custom made" for me at times.

So here goes nothing. (Don't forget to phrase it like you are already living it): UNIVERSE I LIVE A VERY HAPPY, LOVED, SAFE, RESPECTABLE, COMFORTABLE, PRODUCTIVE, FINACIALLY WELL OFF, ABUNDENT LONG LIFE WITH MY FAMILY WHO ARE POSITIVE PILLARS TO THE COMMUNITY. WE TAKE AWESOME ANNUAL VACATIONS (Luxury cruise ship is preferred) TO EXPLORE THE WORLD AND FIND SIMILARITIES IN DIFFERENT CULTURES...and maybe learn a new martial art in each land :-). Universe if you can find some more to give. I am the grand prize winner of BL11.

I tend to keep my own blog but thought I would post here since most people don't know of my personal blog. For the people that have known me over the past 5 years or so know I have battled with weight and not won. The past 6 months has been a roller coaster as my wife has gone through some nasty medical issues that ended up being nothing major, just due to poor diet and a few other things. It was a massive wake up call for us but it has been a very long 6 months or so. She started eating better and so did I but I did not really start working out till spring. I hate working out and I admit that freely..lol. I am a major golfer and pretty good, I also coach the high school golf team. Our local course is a beast to walk, lots of up and down and actually have to hike up part of the mountain for one of the holes. My starting weight was 267lbs and has been that for many years other then when I decide to try and lose weight and maybe get into the low 250's. This time I was determined to do it right and my way.

Well, as of this morning, I am 229lbs which puts my at a grand total of 38lbs down. By mid-October I should be right just over 200 on my current pace. For those thinking about losing weight or needing to lose a little or a lot, make it fun. If you don't enjoy it, you won't stick with it. My energy level has just gone through the roof. I use to get caffeine headaches if I went one day without soda and now I can go a couple of days no problem without a soda. I used to sit on the computer all day, now I am just on it in the evenings or if I am working on it. It's been a wonderful experience and if anyone wants to talk about their own issues or just needs a little support just let me know!! It has been a great journey. If you are really curious to read about my weight loss journey you can check out my blog which I keep more up-to-date at http://everydaybuddhist.com/category/weight-loss/

I've had something of a challenging week this week. There have been a lot of frustrations, set backs, others negativity, and just plain boredom to contend with.

Monday was just boring. I also arranged with the kendo sempei for him to come to Clubs Day on Wednesday at 11am for a demo. Tuesday I had be in at work very early for an 8am meeting, then I went home until lunchtime, where the kids were being very ratty, then back to work, where my boss was suddenly in a panic about Clubs Day the next day and also a doc appointment she had to go to. While she was there I was supposed to be setting up for clubs day, I went to the Union Hall (the venue) and found the room chock-a-block with stuff for the gig Wednesday night. I asked them nicely to please move it all into the designated corner so we could set up for clubs day. I then went briefly back to the office, then returned to find only one of the 3 helpers I'd arranged showed up. My boss had told me how she wanted the room set up, but the gig guys set up a control stage in the middle of the hall that threw that plan off. I decided to try something else, then my boss turned up and was really bitchy and grumpy that the room wasn't set up yet and then insisted it be set up how she wanted it despite the fact that the stage meant some stalls were very cramped and not able to be seen. I threw my hands in the air and did what she wanted, but I wasn't happy.

The next day I was at work very early again while my boss went around and moved everything I had done so it was exactly how she wanted it. I was trying quite hard not feel slighted or offended. Then people started setting up for clubs day. At 9:30am, I got a text from the sempei saying he'd changed his paper and couldn't come to clubs day or do the demo. My boss didn't say anything when I told her but I knew what her expression meant. Then, though the recreation manager had said she was arranging Zumba for the clubs day, there was no Zumba. She said we hadn't confirmed it with her, though actually my boss and I most definitely did. Then there was additional stress as I was working, covering the kendo stall and answering queries about kendo, having to keep an eye on my boss and not leave her alone there as a club had made an official complaint about her and she didn't want to leave them any leeway for another one. Then I had to pack up at the end of the day. No one else who said they'd help at the stall came.

Thursday I was catching up on other work, and my boss is somewhat forgetful so she'd either ask me if I'd done stuff I'd already done, or want me to do something else RIGHT NOW while I was heavily involved in something else urgent and complicated. I was glad to go home. Until I felt the armed-camp tension at home between my hubby and the kids.

By Friday, I was starting to wonder why I hadn't heard anything back about the systems analyst job I applied for. I had all the required qualifications and experience and I think that I should have at least got an interview. Clearly I haven't though. Also it was the first day of the intensive weekend. Though the site visits to a metal shop and foundry were interesting, I was sitting next to and having to work with the only person in the class I just don't like. I can do this and have been polite to her (she's somewhat domineering) but it all just adds to the internal tension.

Today, Saturday, I had 8 hours of sheer bloody minded boredom in class. I wish they'd just given me the notes. Plus the lady I don't like's laptop wouldn't accept my thumb drive, which had the photos we needed for a demonstration we have to give tomorrow. She bitched at me about that, how logical, until I put it in another computer and it worked. I ended up logging into gmail and emailing them to her.

Tonight, I went to kendo. I've missed the last 2 Tuesday of kendo due to friends being over one week, having to work last Tuesday. I have to work again next Tuesday and then I have an audioconference (which will again be damn boring) the following Tuesday. So i went tonight. The sempei has found a female sandan in kendo but she hasn't done it for 5 yrs, she came along and watched.

Now, there is an important part to my personality. I can take shit from people, I can take frustration etc, but the more I have to put up with, the more I need to exercise. Not getting to kendo, and being cooped up inside during the course and work and school holidays lately has really been a strain. Tonight, I really, really wanted to do some kendo. I was somewhat aggressive, especially with the sempei who has let me down several times of late. The good part to this is it seems to have improved my kendo, I got him several times in geidako. And I did work out some of my excess energy, though not enough, and I was the only one not told off for not committing to my cuts or having good zanchen Of course the fact that I REALLY wanted a piece of him probably helped hehe. At the end of the session, the sandan asked me how long I'd been doing kendo, which is about 18 months, and she said I was very good. I thanked her because that was a real compliment coming from a Japanese trained dan.

So, tomorrow I have one more day of this training weekend then back to work on Monday. Thank god the kids are back to school next week.

I have good news! Though I had to get one of my coworkers to log on to the Uni database to check (I had expected a letter or something) I found out I got 82% for my course, that's an A-. I felt pretty good when I found that out, something along the lines of 'Yeah! Still got it even if I'm getting old'.

My period of rest and relative relaxation is rapidly coming to a close. This week is school holidays for my kids (and these last three days have been mighty long ones). Next week Uni starts again, I have the second Clubs Day at the first weeks ReOrientation to run (and advertise kendo at) and then that weekend I have my intensive study weekend for my second semester course, which is occupational safety. Unfortunately, the course notes are late and may not be handed out until the study weekend, which will put me a week behind before we even start (and everyone else too, of course) which I am not pleased about. I emailed the secretary today asking if I can pick it up earlier if its ready earlier and she was agreeable to that, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

I miss out on a kendo seminar because I have to attend the study weekend Angry.

Other things I am considering right now include applying for another job, as a systems analyst at the Uni, and whether or not I'm going to attend an intensive Kendo training camp in August.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing my way as a Jedi, I look at all the many and myriad things I do every day and think to myself, how am I being a Jedi by doing this? Sometimes I wonder if other people look at my journal and wonder what the hell I'm doing here, having trouble seeing anything Jedi in what I do as well.

At other times, I think, well, this year I am dealing with a lot of family responsibilities and problems and trying to approach this in a manner I think is appropriate (you can assume 'to a Jedi' is silently appended to these statements). I am learning about another method of service and guardianship, via my Occ Health and Safety study (some workers emphatically need to be represented and served in this manner from what I have learned). I think the study and positive feedback from professionals is also giving me some confidence in my writing ability, which I've used extensively for writing material here. I am also further developing my kendo skills and am aiming for a 3rd kyu grading later this year. Another facet I've been developing, which I think is personally important, is my creative side, specifically via carving and other ways of making things. How is this going to be useful for a Jedi? I'm not sure yet, but I feel it is.

Still, sometimes I miss having peace to meditate in (though I will say focusing on creating art is similar) and researching and practicing esoteric practices. There is still time, though, I guess, to get back to that when I've finished this uni study.

Life is good. I'm sweaty, tired, and sunburned. But wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

This weekend started with a great trip to the drive in movies at Bengies with Aimee. The were showing Karatie Kid, Killers, and Get Him to the Greek.

The Karate Kid was very good. I kinda expecting to be so so on it because I really liked the first one. But they really did a great job on this movie. I was actually shocked that Jackie Chan can deliver a dramatic performance... in English. They had a great "wax on wax off" type scene.

Then the other two movies I started to doze off on. Which isn't an easy thing for me to do since I'm such a big movie nerd. So they had to be things that didn't catch my attention very well. Of course not sleeping after work and driving up three counties away so I can hangout with my cousin and sisters out of town before the movie contributed too.

The movies ended about 3:15 and I got back home at 3:30am. I had to get to sleep fast because in a few hours I have to wake up for The Ikea Flea market that I had a table for.

Woke up at 5:30am and had to empty out my car of junk and fill it up with crates of junk I was selling at the flea market. Mostly old books that I had lost interest in. Such as handwriting analysis. With people now a days not even writing anymore since the computers and texting is so overused. Learning such things have become obsolete.

Well after setting up I had people who might be thinking the same thing and very few people really was interested in things I had. Except for my Elvis stuff. I was practically giving those away. I was selling my books for $2 each and 3/$5. It wasn't paperback these were hardbound books that cost me $45. But it's more important to share the joy I had with them.

I was the same way with the comic books. I was selling the books 3/$2 some of it broke my heart to sell. I'm just hoping the books will inspire a new generation of comic book fans. I even sold the ones that I waited in line for hours to get autographed. Letting go is so tough to do. But it feels great to be cleansed of some of my belongings. I don't think I would feel this way if I didn't read the Yoga sutra. Basically stating some of our shortcomings is placing too much attachment on our material possessions.

But I can promise you this. I will not be selling anything martial arts related. The weapons are my tools and the training equipment I use. My books and dvd's are my reference source. I am in the process of transferring my vhs's to dvd's so after that happens I will be glad to let go of them.

I wasn't doing too hot on my yoga magazines. So I had a gimmick to give them away. I decided to give them free to people who are willing to demonstrate 3 yoga poses. I had about 5 people who took the offer. It was fun just seeing if people are willing to do things to get free stuff.

About an hour before the end of the sale I made the announcement that everything except the tables were free for the taking. Some jackass was grabbing my chairs and cooler. I had to stop him. But the frenzy of people was incredible it was like a piranha feeding. I only had several torn up books left.

I made at total of $25 for 7 hours worth of work. Is it worth it??? Yes it was. I have less clutter at the house and I couldn't be happier.

The money plus a few more will be donated to Aimee's Triathlon Team Fight. My original plan was to donate it to the 3 day walk for breast cancer which I was planning to sign up for. But chickened out because I'm afraid to not make the financial obligation of $2400 and having to come up with the rest of the money. Then I thought about using the money for a sofa bed. Then changed my mind when I thought about how a sofa bed would actually be clutter too.

Went into work from Saturday night midnight till Sunday 8am. After work I drove up to Columbia to cheer Aimee on for the Triathlon. I made it to the Columbia Sheraton in time to catch the shuttle. I got to there by 8:25 and got to the spot were the swimmers where coming out of the water. I saw just a sea of swim caps. It was a sight I have never expected see. People swimming in Centennial Lake. I asked someone there how can I tell if the athlete is part of a certain group. They explained that they are grouped by gender and age. You can tell if they are part of a group by the swim caps. I asked what color cap women age 30 is wearing. I was told white and by that time there were no white caps in the water. I just missed her.

So I set up my chair and umbrella to the road entrance to see the bikers come in. All I knew was that the place where i was setting up at was the slow down portion so I had a decent view of people riding in. People were still coming in fast and were hard to recognize. So I learned to look for race numbers. I'm so glad she had emailed me her number. I was there for about 45 minutes when she came by. I almost didn't recognize her. Not because she was in a helmet and biking. It was because she had the most determined look on her face. She was on a mission. I'm so use to seeing her with her million watt smile :D I totally never expected Aimee the competitor :icon_evil: to show up. LOL I screamed and cheered for her. Then then gathered my stuff to walk toward the bike/ run transition area. Once I got there I only saw the back of her yellow tri-suit as she was running on on the path already. I didn't even have time to put my stuff down and walked slowly toward the finish line.

It was like a festival over there. She had left a voice mail about getting her camera out of the bag to take pictures. So I went to the Team Fight tent and grabbed her camera. Got a great spot between where the runners where coming in and the finish line. I was burning up in the sun. I can only imagine what the racers where going through. There was an announcer that was naming the racers as they were coming in a 100 yards before the finish line. I heard Aimee name and was jumping up and down. But had to calm myself down so I can take some pictures of her running in and crossing the line. I had to take the pictures without using the screen. I stuck my hand out on the path to take the pics because there were so many people surrounding me.

I met of with her at the line and about to give her a huge hug. She said "Are you sure?" I said "I haven't been surer of anything in my life. I'm so proud of you. Come Here!!"

Of course watching her do this really makes me want to do this too. So who knows maybe next time there's a triathlon in my future.

Aimee you're my hero :)

I finally have some time (well, actually I don't but I'm ignoring the housework for a while) to give a complete update as to my training and life at present.

The Uni semester finished a week ago for me (though exams continue for others) and while I thought that this would make my life easier, in reality I just seem to be substituting all the other things I kept on hold for the last several weeks.

The issue that is most on my mind at present is my oldest son. He is on a new medication that seems to be working at moving things along and he has only had one accident in the last week (though it was a pretty large one). The teachers are optimisitic, I am more guarded...we'll see how things go when the course of medication is finished.

This last week, however, has brought up a number of other issues with him. Firstly, on Tuesday I got to school to be told by the teacher that he had been throwing rocks at my younger boy during play time because the younger boy refused to play with him and wanted to play with his own friends instead. One of these rocks hit the younger one in the head and left a very significant bruise, I bet it really hurt. Rhys did not seem really sorry for what he did (though he is smart enough to mouth the expected), both the teachers and I have been encouraging them to play separately at school, but Rhys took exception to it that day. As a consequence, I've told him he is not allowed to watch some of his favourite cartoons any more, namely Ben 10 and Batman, because I don't think he needs any encouragement to be violent.

I asked him if he'd like to go to kendo with me Tuesday night, because I think he needs to work some of this aggression out of his system. He was keen to come, and the younger boy came too, but they mucked around so much they won't be going back again in a hurry. *sigh*

Next, he had a big accident at school on Thursday. The main issue here is he was quite clearly lying about knowing about having an accident and didn't want to bother cleaning it up.

The third issue (just this week) is rather a bigger matter. On Wednesday after school he was talking about Nerf guns and said that one of his school mates could get him some. I said that he could get some for his birthday, which is a couple of months away and thought that the end of the conversation. On Thursday, his teacher rang after school and said that this other kid had brought $30 to her saying that Rhys had given it to him to get him nerf guns, and seemed a bit bewildered by it all. Rhys was confronted at school about this and then proceeded to tell lies about where it came from to everyone, unfortunately he didn't tell the same lie (unfortunately for him) so it didn't take long for the adults to figure out what was going on. He stole the money from my bedside table, my mum gave me some housekeeping money when she was visiting and I put it there briefly, I remember looking at it when I put it in my wallet and thinking..was that right? but dismissed my misgivings as I was very busy studying at the time and assumed I'd just forgotten how much it was.

He got a serious talking to from me about the importance of honesty, and how we can all tell he is lying. I stressed that we were an honest family and took pride in our honesty, and that he would have to work to regain our trust. The thing is, I really don't think he cares. I spoke further to the teacher on Friday, we have a parent/teacher interview scheduled for Monday, but basically I was asking if she thought it would be beneficial to get Rhys assessed professionally for these behavioural issues. We'll talk more about it on Monday.

When I was his age, I wouldn't have been sitting down in a hurry if I did something like that. Occasionally I wonder if a bit more wooden spoon and a bit less talking would be more effective. Unfortunately NZ has laws against that sort of thing.

I've never been keen on parents who don't like their kids behaviour and want to get them up on Ritalin or something. I had been hoping that Rhys was just emotionally immature for his age, but as he is getting older (nearly Cool I am growing increasingly concerned about his behaviour, he has no empathy, is entirely selfish and still sees the entire world as revolving around him (normal in younger children but he should be starting to grow out of this). It is hard to describe my concerns about him because you really have to see him every day to understand.

Here's another little example. Last night in the shower he destroyed an entire cake of soap and scattered it around the shower. When asked why he did this, he said 'I don't know' (I don't believe this). I was out of the house at the time, listening to a medieval music recital (more on this later) but this morning I made him clean up all the soap and then scrub the mess off the floor. He keeps blocking the toilet with toilet paper despite about 5 adults patiently talking to him about the matter, and going over with him again and again how to use the paper and to flush regularly. He says he keeps forgetting, if he was that forgetful he'd be unable to learn schoolwork, so I think he just doesn't want to.

I'll catch up on the other stuff later.

Recently my job did a very dramatic downsizing to my position. I wasn't thrilled when what happened. To be 100% honest I'm still not. But I have learned to accept it.

I use to work the overnight shift from midnight till 8:30am. But now they have me coming in at 4:30 till 8:30am. My shift has been cut in half making me work two days to get what I use to get for one.

Also the union rules states that night time premium ends at 4am. I don't get the extra doller an hour I have been accustomed to.

If it wasn't for the worries in making my mortgage and car payments I would be alright. But worrying really doesn't accomplish much. It can also bring on negative vibrations. So I'm trying to cope with as little worries as possible.

To be honest I have overlooked another side to this all together too. I finially have the freetime to do a lot of things I have always wanted to do. Now I really have have the free time for it. Don't get me wrong I'm out looking for a second job. But I'm doing it with less sense of dread. I'm finially going enjoy some Stan time and spend it with loved ones.

I have been so busy of late that I haven't been able to post here.I have literally not had a moment to spare.

Uni work: Last week and weekend I was very busy completing my final assignment for this semester, which was due on Mon 24th. I didn't have time to do any readings so this week I had to catch up on last weeks readings and I have still to do this weeks readings, plus the exam is on the 12th June and I have done no preparation yet (as I simply have been too busy doing the stuff that was due earlier) and am trying to ignore the little bubbles of alarm that pop up from time to time when I think about that. I have 1 week of swotting before the exam, wish it was two.

Home: Home has not been great. Rhys has still been having accidents, two weeks ago I took him for another abdominal X-ray to see if he was still physically compacted or if we might have to start looking at psychological reasons for his accidents. It turns out his bowel is still quite distended so the doc has prescribed a new medication for him that he says should shift it...for some reason I have the impression that it's not going to be pretty. He only started that medication today so it might not be a great weekend. Lots more accidents probably. At least the school is no longer hassling me, which is a relief.

Along with this, my mum came to visit for three weeks, starting this week (from Australia). I picked her up from the airport on Tuesday, which just happened to coincide with flooding rains. It was not a fun drive out to the airport, to put it mildly. I spent much of the next day (also flooding rains) digging drainage ditches to stop our tool shed/sleepout from flooding, and other things outside that seemed to keep me cold and wet all day. Also not fun. I bet we have snow tomorrow too. While it is sort of nice having mum here, it is also a great source of stress. I feel like I have to ensure she is having a good time and is comfortable and just generally responsible for her. This is not logical but just how I feel.

Work:Last week was quiet at work, then it started ramping up this week and today was insane. It was the closing round for the current grants round and have had to process about 20 more grants than usual (often this involves chasing the student/club because they stuffed up their paperwork), and I haven't finished them all yet, more were arriving even as I was leaving today. I think that work is going to be very hectic over the next week and bit due to these extra grants.

Kendo: Has also been somewhat of a source of strain for me lately. Last week Richard and I ended up having to take a class, which I didn't enjoy very much. Usually I enjoy teaching but because Richard is my senior I had to let him 'take' the class and support him...and he's not very good at explaining stuff. I was grinding my teeth a little. My new helmet is also causing some problems because it is stiff and my tenagui keeps slipping under it, and it goes forward over my eyes, not backwards where it wouldn't be so annoying. Taylor says it's just because its new, if it keeps up I might get a pad to tighten it up a little until it softens.

I'm also a little stressed because of the affiliation process. I'm the club secretary now (big surprise there huh) and am trying to get a workable constitution and conflict management document together, and have been left to organise a team trip to Christchurch in August and other things of that sort. At least I can get out of going to the south island champs...I figured out they were being held at the same time I'll probably have second semester exams. I didn't really want to go so that gives me an acceptable 'out'.

Extra-curricular activities: Bone carving finished last week, I was working on a feather design. I got all arty about this feather idea, finding a bone with natural ridges (I should remember what these are called but I'm tired and frazzled) and making rather a nice carving out of it. I feel really good when I'm doing carving because it feels natural and easy and it is immensely satisfying to have my mental idea materialise in front of me. It isn't quite finished though, when I get time, maybe this weekend, I need to finish sanding it and carve grooves for wrapping a cord to hang it by.

I've also been asked if I want to do some acting. Some of the teenagers in the kendo class want to make some Star Wars fan film webisodes and have asked if I'd be willing to help out. Apparently I've been asked because 'I like star wars and am good with a sword'. I wonder if it is that easy to become an extra in the Hobbit? I asked if they were looking for someone as old as me, they looked puzzled. Turns out they thought I was in my mid-twenties. Apparently the fact they were 10 years out isn't a problem though ;). I said I'd be more than happy to have a good chat about it when my exam was done.

I might also be hosting a star wars marathon at my place in the school holidays as a team-thing for the kendo club. Time to pull out the Star Wars toys!

SCA: I also spent some of last week making a medieval hat and overdress to wear to the SCA feast last Saturday night. I also did some baking (yummy venison custard pie), I made too much but others made too little so it was OK. Some of the Christchurch members came down and they were a fun and intelligent bunch of people that I enjoyed talking to, and they liked my cooking and asked if I'd be willing to come to the Canturbury faire and do some cooking there. I said I'd think about it and on the condition I didn't have to do the dishes afterwards. I was assured there were plenty of scullions for that task, but a dearth of good cooks (nice to get a complement). They are having a week long faire in the summer school holidays. I need to work out what persona I'm going to go for before that, and I"m actually really, really seriously thinking of going Japanese. For one thing, the dresses are a pain in the ass and I like wearing my hakama (I tend to wear it around the house after training a lot). Plus I am very interested in Japanese culture, think their artwork is gorgeous, and generally like it all a lot. I will still do European cooking and embroidery though.

The evening was a little spoiled for me by two things, my children were misbehaving and there was problems with kitchen access. I had the kitchen booked but we have a hare krishna group that regularly uses it and they weren't out by the time we got there...in fact I had to ask nicely for access to an over and a cooktop. This group caused other problems that evening. It was pity it occured, I was stressed by the kids and this and just didn't have a great time, despite the lovely music and interesting company.

I got some $$ for my birthday (very late) from my aunt via my mother and am eyeing off some books on Japanese culture from way back, also Netsuke carving and drooling over one called 'The art of the Samurai' that I can't actually look at because its all wrapped in plastic!! but sounds like what I want. I wonder if I can persuade the book store to take the plastic off?

Jedi Stuff - I'm getting approached about this and I haven't advertised in the slightest!! I had an email from a local high school student last week, he is doing a project on getting religions started and got my email from somewhere. I explained my viewpoint on the jedi path and religion to him, gave him some background about the community and places to get further info. He wanted an interview but I said no to that, partly because I am nervous about 'outing' myself and partly because he wanted it during my exam build-up period...I'm just too busy. And Seta emailed me today about another person (from a newspaper) looking for a Kiwi to talk to about minority religions. I have said the guy can email me but I'm rather nervous about that too.

Have had another challenging week.

For all of the rest of last week and so far this week, my son has been having accidents. Last Friday the principal called me up, wanting me to go to school and clean him up as he'd run out of wipes. I did so, and afterwards the principal wanted 'a little talk'. While he was polite, he gave me rather a hard time about these accidents, I started getting angry and upset, especially since we'd made plans and talked all this out barely a week beforehand. While I remained polite in words and tone, I am sure that I was looking angry. Eventually we could both see the discussion was going nowhere, I agreed to take Rhys back to the doctor, mostly to shut the principal up.

Unfortunately I had a checkup scheduled for myself that afternoon, only shortly after having to talk to the principal. I tried very hard to hide the fact that I'd been upset and was glad the doc didn't take my blood pressure.

Monday was the doc visit, resulting from that I have to take him for another x-ray, to do tomorrow. Also tomorrow the district health nurse is coming to my house to talk about this problem, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I've been running around like a mad thing cleaning for the last two days. I'm getting so tired of talking about this, and being asked if anything is wrong in the family (not the words they use but basically they always ask something like this to see if its what caused his problem). Nothing is wrong though, how to explain my sons personality to someone who doesn't know him? I dunno.

Kendo went well last night, my armour was admired and fits well. I am also running around like a mad thing for kendo, trying to get the paperwork together for OUSA affiliation. I've got about 2 pages written up as to why we should be affiliated and I haven't finished yet!

I'm trying not to feel frazzled and only partially succeeding. I haven't slept well for several days, last night I was chopping up spoiled vegetables and slipped and sliced my left pointer finger to the bone. I wrapped it in tissues, compressed it and then jumped up and down swearing with the pain. I asked my hubby (who was playing games and didn't hear the commotion) to put a band-aid on it, unfortunately he put it on a bit wrong. It was quite painful last night and I had (more) trouble sleeping.

Some future-frazzlement I found out just today is that my next study weekend (for semester 2) is in the first week of the new semester...the same week that overlaps with the final week of my kids school holidays, and that we've got a whole lot on for work with the 'Re-Orientation' activities for the Uni. *Sigh*

Lets see, what else? There is a grading and seminar scheduled in Christchurch for late August. I am planning on going. I will be aiming for 4th kyu and secretly hoping I can make 3rd (hehe).

Recap: The new strategy with my son is coming along ok, he hasn't had an accident for a few days. He is starting to balk at a few of the requirements, I'm a little surprised it took this long.

Kendo armour: This has been an exercise in frustration. According the tracker (and the phone call I made to follow this up hehe) the courier has been cruising around Dunedin for nearly two days with this rather large and undelivered parcel. If it isn't here (or a note saying he missed me) by the time I get home from work tomorrow, I am making complaints. I never make complaints (to businesses anyway), so this will be a first for me. I was really hoping to have it for training tonight.

The Weekend: I caught up on some of my readings, did housework, and most importantly got some of my cross stitch done! I want to get this project out of the way as I'd like to do some embroidery for SCA embroiders guild competitions, but am bound and determined to finish my existing projects first.

I really don't remember the weekend well...

The Cat who Loved Me: This has little to do with much of anything but I am very tired from training and rambling. The family has two cats, black and white males called Oscar and Ahsoka. Oscar is usually 'my cat', not by my designation but by his (ignores everyone else except for food). For some odd reason today, though, he is being very clingy. I cannot sit down without him jumping into my lap, or trying to herd me to a place where he can sit on my lap if I am walking. It unusual for him to be quite this persistent.

Kendo Training: We had three of our newer members in bogu today, two have trained before at other clubs and one is a complete beginner. One of the other senior members took the rest of the beginners and I was reminded by our Dan instructor not to beat the newbies up.

I think he has forgotten what it is like to have newbies.

After kitikish (I probably spelled that wrong) we did some gideko. The newbies got all excited and I copped a number of very painful whacks. I really wished I had my (better padded and better fitting) armour after being hit on the head so hard my neck hurt, and sustaining substantial bruising to my right arm and thigh.

Apart from the fact that it was the beginners who should have been instructed not to beat US up, the other ironic thing is I'm working to get a recreation course set up for kendo at the uni, and today assured the manager that one didn't really get more than a bit of bruising in kendo. I will probably limp into work tomorrow and get laughed at if I have to admit that its from kendo. Or convince her again that the people taking course will not get beaten up like I have been.

This was fully as busy and all-around crappy as I suspected it would be.

I worked very hard on my assignment and had it finished by Tuesday, and handed it up on Wednesday, a couple of days early. I'm glad that I did get it finished early as I'd have been a lot more stressed this week if I hadn't. There was also the second audioconference on Tuesday, the lecturer got a bit narky that more people hadn't done the weeks readings, but as one person said and I'll definitely be putting on the course evaluation, there are two problems with the audioconferences. The biggest one is that the weeks readings start on Monday...and she expects us to have them done by Tuesday? Not going to happen. We should be discussing the previous weeks work. Secondly, being the same week as the assignments are due is not a great idea either. I left the conference early to attend a meeting for Kendo.

Kendo: I haven't been able to train this week (apart from last Saturday) because of the audioconference and also because no one wanted to train this weekend. However I have ordered my own kendo armour and it is probably sitting somewhere in Sydney (according to the parcel tracker it came from Korea to there thus far) and have also been doing club related stuff. Plus that meeting. Some new people came to training on Tuesday, I will talk more about them next week when I get to know them a little better.

Work: Has not been very enjoyable. I have put in several long days this week because of the second grants round, and am pretty much sick of my boss right now. I was at work at 7:30am yesterday (rode in by bike) to finish setting up for an 8am meeting.

School: This has been extremely stressful this week. I hunted down a health specialist in encopresis and arranged to have an appointment set up. I got the letter for that and it just says there is a waiting list of 10 - 15 WEEKS before any appointment. I'd expected maybe 6 weeks. That is just bloody useless. Secondly, I had a talk with the principal, one of his teachers and the school health nurse was supposed to be there too but didn't make it. My husband insisted on coming too as he didn't want me 'ganged up on' by the school staff, I was a bit worried that he'd lose his temper as he was pretty fiesty before the meeting, thankfully he didn't. It was still a very hard meeting on me, with all of the additional things they want me to do, and while I kept my cool I had a bit of a melt-down later on in the privacy of my room. One of the things they want is for me to report every afternoon to the teacher for a conference, and have a home/school book. Today, the first day I checked the book and there was a note in it chiding me for not providing a seperate bag apart from a plastic one for Rhys' supplies. I actually didn't have a suitable bag and went out straight after work today to find something and buy it, and was pretty upset when I saw that. I'll just mention that this teacher is not exactly big on the empathy and tactfulness department.

Like last week, I have been feeling angry and resentful a lot, particularly over the heavy demands placed on me because of this soiling problem of my sons. I have been on the receiving end of large amounts of negativity over it for months and the school has recently made it a lot harder. One might say that it is hard on my son, but he has a rather odd personality and genuinely very very rarely gets embarrassed about anything. However, I keep almost all of the feelings inside, and don't show that I'm angry, which is all fine and dandy from a socially acceptable behaviour point of view, but not great from a Jedi point of view and probably not fabulous for my health either. But I just don't know what I can do about it apart from suck it up and keep going. Meditation doesn't help, I can still feel that knot of anger in my chest. Sometimes putting an name to the reason why you feel angry can help, but it isn't in this instance, probably because whether or not it is named I am still stuck with the problem and have to deal with it.

Oh and if anyone is wondering, it has nothing to do with the quality of my marriage. I think most of the anger is at having to assume responsibility for things that are outside of my control, and being on the receiving end of criticism, blame, and other negative emotions that are entirely due to other peoples behaviour. I am actually a pretty sensitive person, I take things to heart deeply but I rarely show that I am hurt or distressed.

Anyway, enough for now. I still have this weeks readings to catch up on after having to spend all this time at school and running around after the children.